Talk Tuesday-Knowing You Jesus; My Suffering (Part IV)

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:2

So, remember my naive prayer, "Lord, let me know You in Your suffering"?

Well, prior to Wednesday January 28th, I was put on steroids. To all you folks out there, don't try this at home unless prescribed by a physician. Steroids alters your body (weight gain) and wreaks HAVOC on your personality. Just ask Andrew...he had to live with me.

Have you ever felt that GOD was far away or that your prayers were hitting a wall? An odd emptiness crept into my heart. I still prayed yet I couldn't feel that 'closeness' I experienced with GOD during the first surgery. I even remember feeling really small as I prayed- like I was shrinking. I can't explain that, however in retrospect, I was about to begin my 40 days in the desert.

The 8 1/2 hr surgery involved a removal of my vertebra (and attached tumour), my discs and spinal reconstruction. Yes folks, I am BIONIC! (watch out Lindsay Wagner). On Thursday morning the chief surgeon came in, and asked me to lift my once semi-paralyzed leg. Up it went! We celebrated!!! On Friday the physiotherapist came and asked me to sit up. Being an old pro, I rolled over on my side, swung my legs over the railing of the bed, and gingerly sat up. I suddenly realized that she was talking but I couldn't hear anything. I began screaming, "I'm going deaf, put me back in the bed!" I began to experience debilitating headaches any time I was in an upright position of any kind. We were advised that this was all due to a CSF leak. During the operation, somewhere along my spinal column there was a nick and Cerebral Spinal Fluid was leaking out. I was put bed rest, in the hope that it would heal on its own.

Saturday morning a resident doctor came to remove the many tubes I was attached to. He accidentally ripped the Jackson Pratt drain out, leaving remnants in my stomach. I was told not to eat for the remainder of the day as I had to go back into the OR. I was mad and frustrated. I lay there Saturday morning, feeling sorry for myself, thinking about the young women I knew and the exciting things they were probably doing that fine Saturday. Self-pity combined with anger caused me to retreated into myself. For the remainder of the afternoon I chose not to talk. At 5:30pm I was in the pre-op. room. My husband and family were there once again. I finally decided to pray and as I wept before the LORD, I surrendered my heart into His hands.

I was out in no time. Yet as time went by, I noticed the headaches had worsened. The CSF headache felt like a truck on the crown of my head, but then I started to get headaches from the back of my head, stiffness in my neck, shaking, fever and couldn't stand light or sound. I asked for ice packs to be put on top of my head, cold cloths over my face and ice at the back of my neck. Then came more and more tests...

Up until then, I had been able to move my body in and out of bed. Then I began experiencing debilitating nerve pain. It was like streams of electricity shooting up and down my body, from my back right down my legs. I started screaming...and screaming and screaming. My precious husband prayed. Every night he stayed and prayed. The LORD never left me alone, even through all the pain. It was after a sleepless night of relentless pain that I desperately asked GOD what to do. I could not sit up and I could not lie down. Finally, I heard these words as the Holy Spirit gently whispered to my heart, "Climb into your pain". In obedience, I climbed back into my bed and lay on my right side, completely still. Every movement brought shocks of nerve pain, while every non-movement brought pain of its own. It was in my stillness that the Holy Spirit began to bring revelation to my heart- even while the pain continued.

"Jesus experienced pain, He died for your sins. There was no short cut, Jesus- the Incarnate One, the Son of God, fully GOD and fully man- suffered in the flesh. What you are experiencing is only a fraction of what Jesus experienced on the cross. Now, begin to pray for the others on the floor."

For a moment, I was stunned. Then I began to pray. The lady down the hall was dying from terminal spinal cancer. I began to understand that Jesus Christ suffered- truly suffered in the flesh for our sins. Mercy and Grace met Love when His blood flowed down on that cross. Wow...what great love was this!!! It was as though all time had stood still as I soaked in this revelation. The Holy Spirit directed me to pray for others. Christ prayed for us while He was yet on the cross. I was amazed. I was so amazed...I am still so amazed.

"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8

Please join us next week for the final installment, as we share about spiritual warfare in suffering and standing upon Christ the solid Rock.

God bless & thanks for so graciously listening