Talk Tuesday-Knowing You Jesus; My Suffering (Part IV)

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:2

So, remember my naive prayer, "Lord, let me know You in Your suffering"?

Well, prior to Wednesday January 28th, I was put on steroids. To all you folks out there, don't try this at home unless prescribed by a physician. Steroids alters your body (weight gain) and wreaks HAVOC on your personality. Just ask Andrew...he had to live with me.

Have you ever felt that GOD was far away or that your prayers were hitting a wall? An odd emptiness crept into my heart. I still prayed yet I couldn't feel that 'closeness' I experienced with GOD during the first surgery. I even remember feeling really small as I prayed- like I was shrinking. I can't explain that, however in retrospect, I was about to begin my 40 days in the desert.

The 8 1/2 hr surgery involved a removal of my vertebra (and attached tumour), my discs and spinal reconstruction. Yes folks, I am BIONIC! (watch out Lindsay Wagner). On Thursday morning the chief surgeon came in, and asked me to lift my once semi-paralyzed leg. Up it went! We celebrated!!! On Friday the physiotherapist came and asked me to sit up. Being an old pro, I rolled over on my side, swung my legs over the railing of the bed, and gingerly sat up. I suddenly realized that she was talking but I couldn't hear anything. I began screaming, "I'm going deaf, put me back in the bed!" I began to experience debilitating headaches any time I was in an upright position of any kind. We were advised that this was all due to a CSF leak. During the operation, somewhere along my spinal column there was a nick and Cerebral Spinal Fluid was leaking out. I was put bed rest, in the hope that it would heal on its own.

Saturday morning a resident doctor came to remove the many tubes I was attached to. He accidentally ripped the Jackson Pratt drain out, leaving remnants in my stomach. I was told not to eat for the remainder of the day as I had to go back into the OR. I was mad and frustrated. I lay there Saturday morning, feeling sorry for myself, thinking about the young women I knew and the exciting things they were probably doing that fine Saturday. Self-pity combined with anger caused me to retreated into myself. For the remainder of the afternoon I chose not to talk. At 5:30pm I was in the pre-op. room. My husband and family were there once again. I finally decided to pray and as I wept before the LORD, I surrendered my heart into His hands.

I was out in no time. Yet as time went by, I noticed the headaches had worsened. The CSF headache felt like a truck on the crown of my head, but then I started to get headaches from the back of my head, stiffness in my neck, shaking, fever and couldn't stand light or sound. I asked for ice packs to be put on top of my head, cold cloths over my face and ice at the back of my neck. Then came more and more tests...

Up until then, I had been able to move my body in and out of bed. Then I began experiencing debilitating nerve pain. It was like streams of electricity shooting up and down my body, from my back right down my legs. I started screaming...and screaming and screaming. My precious husband prayed. Every night he stayed and prayed. The LORD never left me alone, even through all the pain. It was after a sleepless night of relentless pain that I desperately asked GOD what to do. I could not sit up and I could not lie down. Finally, I heard these words as the Holy Spirit gently whispered to my heart, "Climb into your pain". In obedience, I climbed back into my bed and lay on my right side, completely still. Every movement brought shocks of nerve pain, while every non-movement brought pain of its own. It was in my stillness that the Holy Spirit began to bring revelation to my heart- even while the pain continued.

"Jesus experienced pain, He died for your sins. There was no short cut, Jesus- the Incarnate One, the Son of God, fully GOD and fully man- suffered in the flesh. What you are experiencing is only a fraction of what Jesus experienced on the cross. Now, begin to pray for the others on the floor."

For a moment, I was stunned. Then I began to pray. The lady down the hall was dying from terminal spinal cancer. I began to understand that Jesus Christ suffered- truly suffered in the flesh for our sins. Mercy and Grace met Love when His blood flowed down on that cross. Wow...what great love was this!!! It was as though all time had stood still as I soaked in this revelation. The Holy Spirit directed me to pray for others. Christ prayed for us while He was yet on the cross. I was amazed. I was so amazed...I am still so amazed.

"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8

Please join us next week for the final installment, as we share about spiritual warfare in suffering and standing upon Christ the solid Rock.

God bless & thanks for so graciously listening

Talk Tuesday-Knowing You Jesus; My Suffering Pt. III

I was released from the hospital five days after the first surgery. It was a challenging time for us as a family but beautiful in many ways. Ephesians 5:28-29 became alive to me as my husband cared selflessly for me:

"So husbands out to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church." Ephesians 5:28-29

My family and the body of Christ (the church) lavished us with prayer and care. It is in the valley of darkness that the light of Christ is ever so bright to dim eyes. His Light was radiant!

My first follow up appointment with the new surgeon was six weeks later. He informed me that they were not able to remove the majority of the tumour and that another surgery would be required. I didn't have to see him again until October, so in the meantime, I would pray for a miracle.

The miracle didn't come in the way I expected it. At our October meeting, the doctor candidly outlined the reasons for, and the urgency surrounding the second surgery. Then he told us there were multiple tumours. By this time, I had mentally vacated the premises, sitting there motionless and stunned. We eventually decided, with renewed vigour, that we would petition God with prayer and fasting.

God had other plans.

One day, I woke up to discover that I could not lift my left leg. It got better but would recur a few days later. Then by December, my leg function had deteriorated rapidly. My leg became like a dead appendage that had to be dragged behind me. I was hurt, embarrassed and confused. An emergency surgery was scheduled for Wednesday January 28th. What followed next, was the darkest valley of my life. I want to leave you with these few truths before next week:

Suffering is something that every human being will endure at some point in their lives. Job suffered in the flesh to teach us how to stand. Jesus suffered in the flesh to teach us how to overcome.

"In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33

"The LORD is close to those who have a broken heart, and saves such as have a contrite spirit." Psalm 34:18

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." Psalm 23:4

Prayer Wall - October

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Talk Tuesday-Knowing You Jesus; My Suffering Pt. II

There are two things that I'd like to share before beginning. In the last post, I stated that someone accused me of asking God for the illness, then asking Him for the cure. This was borne out of a misunderstanding of words on my part. Secondly, when I was first diagnosed, a very good friend of mine said, "This trial is not only for you but for those around you as well." While I didn't understand what that meant back then, today it is becoming abundantly clear. This is about Jesus Christ, not Natasha and Andrew. This is about His ability to restore, heal, uplift, strengthen, empower and love. This is the testimony about Jesus Christ, our Saviour and Redeemer.

In January 2008 I went to see a surgeon who advised me I had spinal tumours. While it had upset me greatly, I began to block it out. It wasn't cancer, so who cared? I was busy with my job (having recently been promoted), and really didn't have time for all of 'that'. I even went on a trip to Trinidad a few weeks later. One day, in a grocery store in Trinidad, my left leg buckled. I shrugged it off, acting as though I just stumbled. Then, upon my return to Canada, on my way home from work, I stumbled downtown in the snow. That got my attention. I started to notice a weakening in my left leg and intense pain. When I finally fell a third time, outside the GO Station in Ajax, I figured out it was time for action. You see, we had been putting off calling the surgeon, hoping that GOD would intervene miraculously. We prayed and prayed, then I made the call. The surgery was scheduled for a date in June 2008.

GOD has a plan:

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

As the surgery date rolled around, I was nervous yet at peace. My family and extended family were there in great support, to pray as we went through this. I prayed and sought the LORD- I prayed for Jesus to be with me in the surgery. I prayed for the surgeons, nurses and medical staff. I prayed a blessing for them in the name of Jesus, and off I went.

Then there were complications. What was supposed to a 4 1/2 hr operation ended up being 8 1/2hrs. Another surgeon was called in to assist, who thanks be to GOD, just happened to be right next door. However, while this was going on unbeknownst to me, I was in bliss!

Let me explain. I had a vision of seeing Jesus, the Lamb of God. I saw such a radiant light that my entire being experienced a joy that surpassed anything I had ever imagined. I felt joy bubbling up like a wellspring inside. My husband saw me as I was wheeled into the recovery room, and he said my face was glowing. I remember feeling joy and saying over and over again, "I saw Jesus, I saw Jesus!" I couldn't open my eyes, but I could hear people around me. I told one nurse in particular, "Jesus loves YOU." I never saw her, but heard her.

What I didn't know is that she had been asking GOD, that very day, if she was loved by Him. She shared this story with my sister 7 months later, when I returned for the second round. It was a word from GOD she needed to hear at the appointed time.

Brothers and sisters, TRUST GOD in the trial. He has a plan for your lives. Cling to Him in your brokenness and watch Him redeem your mourning for dancing, your suffering for the surpassing joy of knowing Him even more. Till next week, I leave you with this:

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.'" Jeremiah 29:11-13